I’ve had some self-doubt issues while working on my latest project so now seems like a good time to blog about confidence. The project was going ahead slowly but well, and then just recently I have found myself ‘too busy’ to work on it for a while. I think this was my subconscious having issues and throwing up obstacles.
In terms of confidence, I’m a bit bipolar (metaphorically speaking).
I seem to have two settings:
1) Buzzing, enthused about the idea (and my ability to tackle it), to the point of grandiosity. (I have no problem with being grandiose, I actually think you need at least a touch of grandiosity in order to have the courage to set out on the path of a bold idea.)
And 2) – Yep – self doubt. This is a fear-based thing. Mainly feeling that on some level I’m ‘not worthy’, that my creative well is ‘empty’. Feeling that I’m not entitled to be doing this, that there are other people who are or would be far better at doing this than me, and so on.
One thing I’ve noticed is that position 1 is focused on the idea (with a pleasant background of self-congratulation, of course!). Whereas 2, the sucky place to be, is about forgetting to be excited about the idea, and instead dwelling on myself.
I had an idea recently that I think will be helpful to dust off now – that it’s far more productive to think about yourself as the servant of the project or idea, rather than the ‘originator’, the ‘artist’. If you’re just the servant, then it’s not all about you and your magnificence. So self doubt is taken out of the equation ¬– it’s not relevant whether you’re ‘worthy’ or not. Is a servant ‘worthy’ to open the door? Just open the goddamn door! End of! (Then do your other servanty tasks. And you’ll be fed and have a roof over your head, and nobody will complain you suck as a servant.)
So. I think the solution for me, right now, is to first, remind myself I’m just the servant. The important thing is the project, not what it ‘says’ about me. That part needs to be YAWNSVILLE. (And, in fact, it is. Because, actually, the project itself, whether it’s perfect or not, will be bloody exciting, at least to me, and a discussion with myself or someone else about how ‘talented’ I am or not will be just ridiculously dull compared to it.)
And next: Remember to get excited about the goddamn project! Fall back in love with it. Allow myself to get excited about it (for some reason I have subconscious brakes on that). IT’S OKAY, EVEN GOOD, TO GET EXCITED ABOUT IT.
(Yes, I know that’s banal and obvious, but my subconscious NEEDS TO BE TOLD).
Hmm. Lots of caps lock here! Well, I think I slightly needed to shout at myself.
Now I just have to: Remember this. And act accordingly.